I fully went to this man’s house with a plan. We had only been talking for a couple of weeks, and in the peak of my hoe phase he was the perfect opportunity for an emotional (and physical) rebound.
This is the personal story about temptation, chastity, and God’s grace through a real experience I almost fell into. It’s not just about avoiding sin, but about how prayer, the sacraments, and the Holy Spirit give strength when we’re weak. It’s a reflection on the Catholic view of chastity and purity before marriage.
DISCLAIMER: If you get scandalised easily, don’t read this. If you are my parent, or sibling, please don’t read this. If you are my confessor….you’ve no doubt heard worse but since you’re not one of the girlies, don’t read this. Lastly, because I’m running out of categories of people, if you like gist and want to know more… proceed with caution!
So here I was on a weekday evening, snuggled up in this man I barely knew, on the soft couch of his dark living room. When the next thing I heard between kisses was…
“Baby, how about we move to the bedroom?”
His voice was gruff and breathless in my ear as he held me close.
Pause.
No, literally, it was like someone had pressed the pause button.
My body tensed.
“Um…”
The response to my silence was a briefly reciprocated awkward pause, followed by,
“But we don’t have to, I mean, whatever makes you more comfortable, babe…”
And then more soft kisses on my neck as if to not “ruin the mood”.
But the mood had already been beyond ruined for me. Not because I wanted my first time to be on this stranger’s couch, but because of his question.
That question was enough for my system to reboot.
Because that question had given time for an inward pause.
Joshie…what are you doing? You don’t actually want this. You know you don’t. How did we get here?
Cue the rewind.
What was I doing here?
What had led up to this? And why was it that even when I had very much wanted to cross the line beforehand, now, I actually couldn’t.
For me, in the moments leading up to that, it was all because of rejection.
It was because I’d had to break things off with the guy I actually cared about just a few weeks back because he had called me immature for not agreeing to sleep with him.
After crying my eyes out about it on the phone to my best friend, wondering how many more relationships will end because I’m waiting for marriage,
…wondering why it’s always such a big deal for guys,
…wondering how other girls are so comfortable sleeping around, even if it’s with one partner…
After all the wondering, I was thoroughly fed up!
God, I’m tired of this being such a big deal for me, I prayed. I just want it over and done with then it won’t matter anymore. Is it not just to tell You sorry…
So, with that in mind, I planned out the one night stand.
It will just be seggs. No strings attached, no feelings involved, because I’m not trying to be wifed up.
I’m going to “strong my mind”, I just want to do this with someone I don’t care about, just for me. I just want to “get rid” of this virginity.
And I had actually had a guy tell me; “Joshie, I like this your type of person but the way you hold on to this your virginity thing… Ideally, if you could just give it up, then we’d really work out.”
Hmmm…
Sometimes, I can’t believe the lies that affected me when I was younger and less mature both emotionally and spiritually.
But these are the things that had led me to this moment with Mr Baby-let’s-take-it-to-the-bedroom…
He was the handsome, good-looking, well (enough) to do man of the moment. And I had almost gotten swept away in the (em)motions of it all before his genuine, and pretty thoughtful question called me to order.
“No…wait a minute”, I said as I backed away to my side of the couch and put some distance between us.
“Okay…”
I could see the look of confusion, with an undercurrent of concern like he was wondering what he had said wrong.
“I can’t do this,” I said with an awkward laugh.
He was silent, like trying to think about what to say, or maybe waiting for me to say something else.
When I didn’t he sighed…Then, “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay. I’m not going to force you, am I? So, do you want something to eat, or watch some TV maybe…?
“Actually, it’s getting quite late, and I’ve got to get home.”
“Already?” he sighed again. “Alright, give me a second let me drop you.”
The Drive of Shame
When we were in the car on the way to the junction, I started talking to fill the awkward silence.
“This is really not something I do…”
“Mhmm…” he hummed the reply like, Yeah, I’ve heard that before. Then he said, “I know you’re probably just not comfortable because you don’t know me well enough yet. It’s fine. I’m patient. And you can trust me, but you don’t know it yet, which is fine.”
He gave a non-chalant half shrug with one hand on the steering.
“No… that’s not actually it,” I started. “Actually, I’ve never done this. I’ve never slept with any one. If we had done it, you would have been my first.”
My guy froze and gave me one mad side-eye. Thank God we were in small hold-up.
“You’re joking, right?”
I laughed aloud.
“No-oo, I’m not. I’m serious. To be very honest, the plan was to lose it with you and then just ghost. But you seem like a really nice person, and I chickened out.”
“What?”
“Yeah…”
When he dropped me off at the junction, I took a cab to my father’s house, and we hardly spoke again after that, aside from him confirming I got home safe and asking me again if I was serious about what I said. To which I told him I was.
Sometimes I wonder what he truly thought about the whole thing. Like I’d be interested to hear his side of the story, but anyway that’s not the point of this.
Chastity, abstinence, celibacy, and purity are not for the faint-hearted…
Looking back, and one thing my friends didn’t fail to remind me of at the time was; you are lucky ooo! You followed a random man to his house, “led him on”, didn’t follow through, and lived unscathed to tell the tale.
But here’s why I share this, because believe it or not, it’s not just for gist or to expose myself but because let this be a testament to the fact that;
- Actual grace is real,
- having a formed conscience is real,
- living a sacramental life and reading God’s word, and praying the rosary…
ALL real!
And they fortify you and carry you when you are weak to your flesh.
If I’m being totally honest, the opportunities and the desire to fall have been plenty, they have been tempting, they have made me to trip, slip, and fall.
But I want to bring out the lessons from them because it would be naive to say it was just his question that stopped the fornication from being fornicated that day or any day since.
So let’s talk about the deeper, and more practical reasons behind why I didn’t go through with my premeditated one-night fling.
1. I Didn’t Want To Be Selfish
Mr. Almost-One-Night-Stand and I weren’t close. We’d only met once before, in a park, when he offered me and some friends a ride. After that, we exchanged numbers and talked on and off. But if I’m honest, I wasn’t invested in him.
My heart was still embarrassingly caught up on “Mr. You’re-Immature-Because-You’re-Waiting-for-Marriage.” Talking to Mr. Almost wasn’t about building something real. It was me enjoying the attention, the feeling of being wanted.
It was 100% “for the plot.” You know those times when life feels dull and you decide to stir up drama just to feel alive? That was me.
So when he offered to pick me up one evening after work, I said yes. I already had in mind where it might lead. I mostly wanted that.
But when we got to his place, before anything happened, he began opening up. He shared about his past relationship, his family, his career, his pain, and how he was still healing. And as I listened, a thought hit me: if I went through with what I had in mind, it wouldn’t be love. It wouldn’t be mutual affection. It would just be selfishness.
I’d be using him. Using his loneliness, his vulnerability, and his openness, for my own temporary satisfaction just to ditch.
It wasn’t about him, it was about me. And I couldn’t shake the conviction that this would end badly or get me emotionally entangled. I could not be okay with doing that to someone or myself.
Philippians 2:3 says, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.”
When I realized, I tried to ignore it, and was, but couldn’t anymore when he asked for a location switch.
I had to come to terms with the fact that giving in to the temptation would not have been valuing him, it would have been taking from him and stripping from myself too.
Lust disguises itself as giving, but it’s really about taking. Love seeks the good of the other, sin seeks the gratification of self.
Real intimacy requires more than bodies colliding. It requires love, responsibility, and the willingness to give, not just to take.
2. I Was Thinking Bigger Picture
The other thought that struck me was the bigger picture. Sin always presents itself as something small, immediate, and satisfying.
But I asked myself, Would this really be worth it in the long run? What if the choice came with consequences that could alter my life forever?
If I got pregnant, unaliving the child would never be an option for me, so I’d face the reality of raising a child… Possibly as a single parent, in that economy, with all the strain that would place on my parents!
Worse, I’d be a stumbling block for my younger siblings, especially my sister, who with or without outrightly saying, looks up to me.
Scripture warns us in 1 Corinthians 10:23: “I have the right to do anything,” you say, but not everything is beneficial. “I have the right to do anything” but not everything is constructive.”
Choosing not to give in wasn’t just about avoiding sin. It was about protecting my future, honoring my family, and living in a way that would point those around me, especially those watching my example, closer to Christ instead of further from Him.
3. I Had A Habit Of Prayer
This final reason is the most important because whether we acknowledge it or not, and we really should acknowledge it, everything is spiritual.
Everything starts spiritually before it manifests physically. And although the previous reasons were practical. This is the truest reason I didn’t follow through with my plan.
“For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.” -Ephesians 6:12
Chastity is something I’ve struggled with a lot in my life. Ever since puberty, really.
I read my first erotic novel at thirteen, morbidly intrigued and roped into what I was reading and how it made me feel.
At fifteen or so I was watching explicit anime, thinking it was better than pornography because it was animated.
Eventually, curiosity led me to want to see the content that wasn’t animated for “educational purposes” so I would be “ready” for when eventually I would have the significant other to do it with.
At times, I would read Cosmopolitan articles online (I dared not buy the magazine) that would talk about different bedroom positions and techniques for the same reason of it being for “educational purposes”.
I didn’t want to be a “prude” or clueless about how things worked.
Regrettably, all these things, impure reading, imagining, pictures, and videos, eventually led me down the path of self-gratification which I struggled with privately for years.
But as a result of this, I was pretty frequent with the sacraments.
I went to confession regularly. Almost always immediately after or as soon as I could.
And I never missed Sunday mass even if because of not being in a state of grace I wouldn’t receive Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament.
Frequently falling into these sins actually made me have to keep accepting God’s invitation of mercy and repentance and made me have to draw closer to God to be strengthened.
Forming my conscience by doing an examination of conscience and having knowledge of God’s words, and praying my rosary, and attending mass weekly, daily when I could, and fasting as much as possible, meant that even after sin, there was strength and willingness to turn back to God.
There was a habit of turning back after falling, or going astray, not to take advantage of or presume God’s mercy but because His grace and mercy chases after us, and we can’t hide away from or outrun it no matter how far shame tries to pull us away.
Strength Against Sexual Sins
The Sacrament of Reconciliation instituted by Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ (John 20:21-23) is a sacrament of healing. There’s strength and healing found in confession.
St James reminds us, “confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed” (James 5:16).
Every confession is not only about forgiveness, but also a moment of healing, reconciliation and strengthening. It is so powerful!
Sinning often, made me confess often, and do prayers and penance often.
Frequent confession built a spiritual resilience in me such that each time I received absolution after humbly and sincerely confessing with a resolve to amend my life, God’s grace and mercy strengthened me to resist the very sins I had confessed. This made me always have in the back of my mind to ‘avoid occasions of sin’.
And when I regrettably fall again, I know in the depths of my heart where to return, which makes all the difference.
The same is true of the Holy Eucharist. Even more so because it is Jesus himself and He has said unless he is our food we have no life in us without him.
Unless we are grafted onto Him we can produce nothing. Therefore, to receive Him is to receive sufficient graces to carry us. It’s like paying it forward.
In every Holy Communion, grace is poured into our souls. We are infused with God’s grace. Jesus Himself becomes our strength.
Even if we stumble, that powerful grace and strength draws us back to Him, rather than allowing sin to become a permanent pattern.
In short, the sacraments and a life of prayer were not simply me hitting a restart button after my sins. Rather they formed in me habits of return and these habits gradually kept me from settling into sin altogether because I know the benefit of being in a state of grace and prefer the peace of it.
Because I was frequently receiving the sacraments and having a life where I always tried to do God proud, there was this thing in me like a resistance to sin. It was as if I had to willfully choose sin more than passively slip up into sin.
Because I’ve experienced so many times the depth of God’s loving kindness, in the back of my mind, my conscience would prick me, the Holy Spirit would stir.
“Do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, forbearance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness is intended to lead you to repentance?” - Romans 2:4
Looking back, I know it’s the sacraments and a life of prayer that played a huge part in preventing me from going ahead with things that evening.
So please don’t joke with your prayer life; the mass, the bible, the rosary, penance and the sacraments! Especially when it comes to purity. God’s power is supreme and Mother Mary’s prayers for us are elite, they are honestly legendary!
The Enemy Meant For My Downfall
The Evil One intends for sin to separate us from God, just as he is eternally separated.
He tempts us to fall, hoping shame will keep us away. But as Joseph said, ‘You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good’ (Genesis 50:20).
Our sins, once confessed, become occasions for God’s mercy to shine.
‘Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life’ (Psalm 23:6)
His mercy runs after us, pulls us out of hiding, and carries us back.
As Apostle St Paul reminds us, God’s power is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).
What Satan intends for ruin, God transforms into reconciliation, redemption, grace, and good counsel.
The Takeaway
Leaving Mr-Almost’s apartment that evening, I knew it wasn’t just about me being “strong-willed”, or having self-control. Honestly, left to me, I probably would have gone full speed ahead.
What saved me was being close to God. That closeness is what kept me from making a decision I’d regret.
And that’s why I created my devotional, Draw Near because it’s not about being a perfect Christian that never makes mistakes, it’s about proximity to Christ. It’s about staying close enough to God that when temptation comes, His voice is louder than your desires.
The devil knows how to deceive, how to steal, how to kill and destroy (John 10:10a), he has been doing it since the beginning of time. It’s not by our power and might that we will do the great thing of resisting the evil one or fleeing from him (Zechariah 4:6).
It’s only by us tapping into the power and grace God who is the Victor of this battle can give (Ephesians 6:11). Jesus tells us in His Word time after time that when we are in Him we are strong.
And if being near Him saved me that night, I know it can save you in your struggles too (James 4:7-8) because at the end of the day, it wasn’t about my restraint, but about God’s grace.
The closer you draw to Him, the clearer His truth becomes: love is meant to give, not to take; intimacy is sacred, not casual; and His mercy is strong enough to redirect even our weakest moments.
This is why we must hold fast to prayer and the sacraments, to scripture and the rosary. Again, this is why I wrote Draw Near. It’s a devotional for anyone who wants to live in that state of grace and to walk closely with Christ so that when trials come, you have the strength to stand.
This faith story you’ve just read, is somewhat of a non-exhaustive guide to chastity from my own personal experience and I hope you have been both entertained and educated.
Hopefully, you have benefitted from knowing you’re not alone in your struggles striving for purity. Even if yours ended differently, God’s grace and mercy abound for you and there’s no judgement or condemnation.
In other articles I’ll share more, so stay tuned!
If you enjoyed this, please check out this article on Why You Should Attend Daily Mass or this other one on How To Deepen Your Faith In Difficult Times.